Watching you kiss yourself or other favorite pastimes

Everybody's got a hobby. Aaron Tippin lifts weights. Merle Haggard likes to cook beans. Garth Brooks enjoys retiring and walking away completely from the music business every couple of weeks.

Me, I collect stupid song lyrics. Not just lyrics that sacrifice reason for rhyme like Toby Keith's "Alarm clock starts ringing/Who could that be singing?" (Is that clock set for alarm or music? It can't be both.)

And your song won't make it into my collection with lyrics that merely make you scratch your head and go "Huh?"

In Jo Dee Messina's "Burn," she asks "Are you going to be a soldier/And fight for love?" Soldiers fight for a lot of reasons - to protect their country, to get revenge, to keep oil prices low. But they haven't fought for love since the Trojan War. (Speaking of "Burn," if you had a friend who was contemplating an exciting, rewarding career as a "sinner," would you really tell him or her "I want you to burn"?)

No, to be in my collection you've got to be stupendously stupid. I realize that nobody's probably ever going to top my all-time favorite - Doug Stone's comparison of an ex-girlfriend to a vintage Chevrolet. ("Today in my rearview mirror I saw an old Malibu...Girl, I thought it was you.")

But the opening line from Faith Hill's "The Way You Love Me" is a strong contender: "If I could grant you one wish, I wish you could see the way you kiss."

Can you imagine if she did get that wish how her lover would appreciate it?

"Let me get this straight. You got to make one wish. You could have made us rich and famous. You could have conjured us up a beautiful home in Hawaii. Perfect health. Anything at all. And you chose to give me the ability to see what my tongue's doing when we make out? Are you crazy? If you don't have any more sense than that I want you to burn."